Feeling Blue

"I just don't care about it." Those were the words that became the cake topper to a testy weekend. "I just don't do that sort of thing..." he said. The person was referring to a Bible study of mine, one that I was excited to start. "It's just that I've been there, tried that, don't care, and I doubt your 'new' group will be any better than that." That is what I heard anyways, it didn't really matter what he'd said, that's what he meant. And it was at this point my heart sunk, my head throbbed, and my emotions were shot. "I just don't care," resonated with me, and this was just the cake topper!

The day before, I was enjoying a peaceful afternoon in one of my favorite stores, roaming around, looking at books, and picking out movies for the weekend. I had seen some friends there, said hi, talked about how great the afternoon was going, and enjoying life. I went to the checkout line, the guy rung in my stuff, and I swiped my debit card through the machine. Error message: did not read. I thought, that's cool, sometimes that sort of thing happens. I did it again. Another error message. Then a third time. Then a fourth. My card was ringing through as an insufficient and I freaked out. I knew I had plenty of money in that account because I had just been to the bank and my card worked fine the day before, but now, it wasn't and I immediately thought my account had been hacked and the money was gone. And if you've ever been in line when something like that happens, you know how embarrassing it can be. I paid the guy in cash and raced home, eager to call the bank to find out what was going on. Unfortunately, it was Saturday and the bank was closed. The emergency help line was about as useful as an ice-maker in Alaska, and I went ballistic. I didn't know what going ballistic meant exactly before this; now I know. It involves a lot of yelling, a lot of hitting pillows, and a lot of screaming.

The next day, I went to church, enjoyed fellowship, and ate lunch. I decided to start working on my new small group and began letting people know about this new thing. I've been really nervous about it; I mean, leaving where I was at and going to off to start this new group required some backbone but I was really excited about it. But for the past several weeks, it just hasn't come together and overall, I have been stressed about everything- school, work, more school, life. There just hasn't been a reprieve and now, feeling as frazzled as I'll ever be, I just wanted to hear some good news about this group. And up to that point, everybody I'd talked to had given me a big "no thank you" when I invited them. I got in touch with one more guy, one of my good friends. "Sorry, I just don't do those groups," he said. "Not interested." And thus, my heart sank into my gut as life pounded me into the ground. (P.S. for all those I got in touch with about the group, this is not an effort to guilt you into coming, although, there will be pizza, and free pizza should guilt you into coming! Just kidding, no pressure).

Life can be terrible at times. I mean, it can feel simply rotten. At this point, I was upset, tired, angry, doubtful, and confused. I got in my car and just took off, driving for nearly an hour in plain silence trying to clear my mind. Along the way, I passed friends who turned me down, a sign that said my bank was switching owners (probably why my card didn't work), and my school which was an unpleasant sight as any. I was feeling broken and beaten. Tired and sore. Alone and down.

"Why are you doing this, God?" I shouted feeling like I was God's next Job. "Why are you letting this happen to me? What did I do?"

And simply, I believe this was my answer. "Why don't you stop worrying about who or what is making you feel so down and why don't you just adapt. You can't change anything right now anyways, it will take time. Besides, it's not about what is happening to you, it's about how you respond to what's happening to you. So will you choose to overcome or succumb?"

And I drove, a little longer, in silence, pondering this very thing. Since then, life hasn't been any kinder. Circumstances aren't any better. People aren't any more forgiving.  Hopefully, those words spoken to me will encourage you through anything you may be going through. But in that moment, I figured I only had one thing to say to something like that.  I simply shrugged, sighed, and said, "Okay. I'll give it a shot." I dunno, maybe it will work.

I dunno, but, okay.

KB