Last week marked the final performance of a stage production I have been a part of - the Dining Room by A.R. Gurney. The show ran for only 4 days, which isn't a very long time. Bear in mind, we have been working on this production since November. Despite the short run, it's been worth it although it's also nice to bring it to a close. I love theater, don't get me wrong, but it's stressful and it requires a great deal of perserverence and I am not very good at handling either!
If you know me very well, you might know that I love theater. I love plays, film, productions, and heck even a couple musicals here and there. But if you know me very very well, you might find this ironic because I am also pretty stagefright. In preschool, I refused to sing songs with my classmates because it freaked me out. As a kid, I hid behind my mommy's leg when I met a new person. As a teenager, I worked on being more personable but still hated even speaking up in a group. As an adult, I wanted to overcome my fear, so I got into acting but I still get ancy before a performance.
I have a ritual before I go on. I usually dance around, listen to a lone piano playing on my iPod, and use the bathroom at least half a dozen times. It's like a really bad version of Amadeus, for all of those who get the reference! During one of the performances for this last show, my director noticed I was acting like a baffoon and asked me what glue I had been huffing. I told them it was stage fright and it was nothing - I would get over it if I could just get my nerves out. Then my director told me something profound:
"Kyle. Stagefright is not your anxiety about people watching you. Stagefright is about you freaking out over you not performing your lines. You're not scared over them. You're scared over yourself."
Fair enough.
It made sense. The truth is, stagefright is not a matter of if people will be interested in you on stage. They already are interested - they showed up to the performance after all! Stagefright is really about yourself. It's when our own pride gets in the way of our thoughts and says, "You aren't capable of this." What poppycock! All too often we feel that we aren't good enough, capable of, or worth enough to merit our worth on this planet. We are at times "stagefright" over being confident in ourselve, in our faith, or in our relationships. We don't want to take the leap to go to that church or churchgroup because we are "stagefright" over if we know enough to keep up. We don't take time with our family or loved ones because we are "stagefright" that we might not meet their expectations or run out of things to do. We don't take the initiative at work because we are "stagefright" that it might not go over well with the "boss-man." Worst of all, we are "stagefright" that our faith isn't strong enough - that we are incapable of living up to God's standards.
The truth is, every one of us is worthy of God's love because He gives it freely. There is nothing we do that can separate us from his love, nothing. But the thing that keeps us from that love and from those standards in our lives (like career, family, etc) is our apprehension over ourselves. We are scared that we aren't worth it or can't live up to them. But we are each capable of those things.
So this week, think about the things you are "stagefright" about. Job, family, that special someone, your faith? Bear in mind that nothing we can do can separate us from the love of God and with that knowledge, go forth and perform your heart out without holding back! Give life all you can. Sometimes, the thing that holds us back from the best things in life is the fact that we are scared over ourselves, over not being worth it. And remember, the people closest to us, and especially the God who created us, is there for us all the time - they've already "shown up to the performance!" So may we know that nothing can separate us from the love of God, and the love of God cures a multitude of problems. If that's the case, well, then may the show go on!
KB
38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. -Romans 8:38-39
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